I think I have serious anxiety issues. My chest is increasingly tight and my ability to sleep has diminished dramatically in recent weeks. No matter what relative stability my life seems to maintain, I nonethless find unsettling events in every situation around me. I cannot even watch economic reports on the news because I fear that I am one step away from certain homelessness or needing to declare bankruptcy, despite having a stable income at present. Our nation’s lack of energy stability has created in me an increased awareness of my own dependence on fossil fuels to provide for my own economic security was well as to allow me to see the people I love. I am constantly fearing at work that I am not billing enough hours and that I need more clients, although I feel incredibly selfish every time I bill any client for work that I do (I clearly was not meant for a firm lifestyle and need to get back into public interest work to cure this billing fatigue and guilt).
I am not sure why I feel like everything in the world around me was specifically calculated to cause me this unrest, and I don’t know at what point in time I became this excessive worry-wart. I long to live in the moment and be happy, but I just have no confidence in my present state of affairs.
I hate the necessity of the formal economy. I hate how anxious it makes me; how fearful for my own survival I have become. Am I the only person that just feels a lack of control of my economic circumstances? Why should this affect me so much?
I have now become Herbert Marcuse’s One Dimensional (Wo)Man.