To the Mouse in Charge

Dear Mickey,
I wanted to take a moment and thank you for your hospitality on my recent trip to Disney World. My family and I had a wonderful time. I know that Disneyland claims to be “The Happiest Place on Earth,” but after visiting Disney World again, I think you should rethink that title. After all, how can Disneyland be the Happiest Place on Earth, when it is Disney World that has all of the attractive, friendly Scandinavians working at the Norway attracting at the World Showcase in Epcot? I realize that Disney World, is “The Place Where Dreams Come True”. I know that my dream came true of always wishing I could see the Yeti. Sure enough, after visiting the Expedition Everest ride in The Animal Kingdom, now I can say that dream has come true.
May I offer a few friendly suggestions? First, bring back the original Florida Citrus Swirl. Substituting that orange ice cream for the orange juice slush that the swirl used to contain is just no fair trade. It was one of the most delicious treats about Disney World, and it has been changed beyond recognition. Please remedy that.
Second, I noticed that I saw plenty of characters that I, who have not watched the Disney Channel in many years, could not recognize. I think that you should instead focus on making sure there are ample character appearances by the old standards – yourself, Minnie, Donald, Pluto, etc. I understand your continued need to promote your post-Lion King empire, but maybe you could throw us older folks a few bones, to remind us of our childhood days. Here are some suggestions from some of my favorite old school Disney Movies:
The Gnome Mobile: I think this ride sells itself. I mean, the song in the movie describes perfectly what this ride should be – “The Gnome Mobile, The Gnome Mobile, Jaunting Along in the Gnome Mobile…” There are alot of things to do in Disney World – You can go bouncing on the Winnie the Pooh Ride, “Soarin” in Epcot, “Splashin’ at Splash Mountain, but there is no “jaunting” to be had anywhere. This is why I think that this ride would be such a great addition. Not to mention the fact that I am sure that this attraction would appeal to all of those British tourists in their short shorts and soccer jerseys.
Darby O’Gill and The Little People: How about an attraction about leprechauns and the banshee? I also think this could be a hot ticket item – go looking for your pot of gold, but watch out for the banshee!
Summer Magic: I am thinking this attraction could appeal to grown ups tired of walking around all day – a big front porch, with swings for everyone, and then a Burl Ives impersonator singing. I am relaxed just thinking about it!

Those are just some of my suggestions for new attractions, Mickey. Then, maybe even more of my dreams could come true at Disney World.

But here is another word of an issue that I think is very important to discuss. Right now, I know you are really big into pushing this whole Disney Princess thing. The little girls who had their Princess makeovers were everywhere. I couldn’t count the number of Cinderella gowns. I understand wanting to allow each girl to feel special, I am all for that. I wanted to be a princess when I was a child. I had the rhinestone tiara and everything. But at some point in time, girls go from being princesses from having to learn the hard lesson that sometimes, the handsome prince has faults too. Or that you as the princess can’t make the handsome prince as happy as you thought you could. At some point in time Mickey, these little girls need more realistic role models. By the way – to that end, you need to have a word with Belle. I heard her in the Magic Kingdom during a show talking about how Gaston could be “positively primeval.” She needs a dictionary ASAP so she stops using vocabulary words incorrectly. She was using it in the context of “he is so evil” not in the context of “pertaining to the first age or ages of the world.” These princesses need to show that education is important. Otherwise, you could have that kid I saw playing with the Chairman Mao puppet in Epcot come over and teach these princesses a lesson. How does that sound? Oh, and by the way, when did you start selling Chairman Mao puppets at Epcot?

Well, I think that I have given you enough things to think about in this letter. Thanks for the great time with my family, and plenty of new memories. Thank you for your emphasis on conservation, that I saw all throughout the Animal Kingdom. Also, thank you for your emphasis on harmony between nations, that I saw at Epcot. I am nominating you for the Nobel Peace Prize, so you know. I am sure that I will be seeing you again sometime in the future. In the meantime, I think I have one dream that I want to talk to you about and see if maybe you can help me in the way of making it come true. . .

Your Friend,
Leslie

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