I need to be a good academic. However, the part of being a good academic that both excites me and terrifies me the most is publishing. This week at the library we had a meeting to discuss a proposal to help us to work on our research and publishing efforts. The meeting terrified me even more because I am terrified of never writing anything worthy of publication. I love to write. I love to research. I dream about writing very substantive and worthwhile articles or even books. However, I am incredibly self-critical and never believe that anything that I do is good enough to even submit for publication. I tie myself in knots even thinking of topics and research ideas, because I ultimately see them without merit. And yet, in spite of these anxieties, I read the crap that is published in the Law Library Journal sometimes and think, are you kidding me? They published that? I know I can do better than that. Then, I set up my expectations so high for what I believe would be worthy of publication and pass the stupid test, that it is impossible for me to meet them. I feel like if I am not doing something totally unique of transformative, then it is going to be a terrible indictment of my academic capabilities. This is very self-defeating.
Buttercream frosting eases the pain.