Lately, I haven’t had so much time to keep this blog up to date. I have either been busy or exhausted. Here is my quick explanation as to why:
1. I am exhausted because since we came back from Florida, Knightley has been the most clingy dog ever. Look, I love cuddling with my little pup, but lately at night he has been insisting on sleeping with his head resting directly on my shoulder. He then snores directly into my ear. If I didn’t need sleep so badly, I would think this is the most adorable habit. So I don’t know what to do about this. The fact is too, with everything else going on in my life, I need sweet Knightley’s cuddles and his neediness. Yes, I have developed a dependency of having my dog be dependent on me. It gives me a sense of purpose right now, but it also means I don’t get more than two hours of sleep a night.
2. I am busy because now I have new responsibilities at work, having received a promotion to being the Assistant Director for Public Services here in the library. Since I am teaching this semester, I already am pressed for time and now this just makes my time at work even more hectic. I am adapting, though. I like being busy (See my own dependency issues above. I need to feel useful).
3. I am a general bundle of nerves and anxieties because we have fixed a date with our doctor for when we will be starting IVF treatment. Assuming that everything goes well with my baseline ultrasound on November 13, then that Saturday, November 17, I will start the fun ovarian stimulation regimen. I am terrified. I am not terrified in anticipation of the injection medications, but I am terrified about it not working. My last doctor’s appointment and lab results (from a week ago) did not leave me feeling very optimistic. It is going to be a huge miracle if I produce eggs that make it to the retrieval stage, and even more of a miracle if they make it to the embryo transfer stage. Even though I have tried to be realistic about my chances up to this point in time, I still know that if it doesn’t work, I will be devastated, and I don’t know how I will handle it. This causes me to preemptively break down periodically. The other night, I was in the bathroom where I have stored lots of the medications that we received earlier this week (Don’t even want to talk about how much money we spent on all the meds considering I am on the max dosages for practically everything), and I was just reading through some of the information about estrogen levels that came with my meds, and it destroyed me for the rest of the evening. Seriously, I could not stop crying. I have never felt like as much of a basket case as I have in the past six months of my life.
4. Our dates for starting IVF mean that we will not be travelling to Utah to visit David’s family for Thanksgiving. I feel badly for him just because I know what a wreck I have been, I told him I completely would understand if he went to Utah without me. It might be considerably better for him considering how much these hormonal fluctuations have affected me already. I joked around with David the other night, “Look on the bright side, David, in twenty years when all of your married guy friends are complaining about their wives going through menopause, you can think to yourself, ha, I dealt with that twenty years ago! Of course, in twenty years, your wife might be dead because early menopause means women have greater risks of all kinds of cancers, heart disease, etc.” I thought this was hilarious. David, not so much. I explained pretty much the only way I could make it through many excruciating situations right now was to laugh about them. I mean, that whole laughing instead of weeping thing is pretty much the way that I deal. This may be precisely why David should consider choosing to go to Utah for Thanksgiving without me.
I could use some kindness from the universe right now. My law students aren’t even laughing at my jokes in class, even when they are well-timed asides about Provo being like that small town in Footloose during my law school days, with the dance ban and all that. Or when I use examples with Ron Swanson, from Parks and Recreation, they don’t laugh at those either. Yes, I use all of my best material in my municipal law research class, obviously. But this year, no one laughed at all. Dud.
Also, on an entirely unrelated note, can Republican politicians please stop talking about rape? Seriously, it gets me so worked up I want to throw things at my computer all the time. I think the end of election season coming soon will also mean I gain some energy back, since I will not have to be so exhausted listening to all of these idiots all the time.