I try not to be a superstitious person in thinking that I jinxed myself by posting about my experience yesterday. However, after being given the all clear by the doctors yesterday, last night my worst fears became reality. Today, at the doctor, I was not given the all clear. I was told instead that I was right and that I was having a miscarriage.
The physical pain of it is terrible and sucks, but of course the worst part of it is knowing that even when I finally can become pregnant, I cannot stay pregnant. There is nothing I can do about it. It just hurts so much.
I sometimes wish that I had not grown up in a culture that emphasized the greatest thing that women can do is have kids, because that excludes me from ever doing anything really great under that definition. I don’t know, but I refuse to believe that my spiritual worth is tied up in my ovaries and uterus functioning properly. I fleshed out my feelings over a long time by looking exclusively in the Bible at stories about women and realized few, notable women in the Bible (out of the few that are mentioned), are discussed in terms of being mothers in happy family situations. Many of those Old Testament women were barren and needed serious divine intervention (which sometimes required them giving up their child all together after they were born). Most other prominent women in the Bible were mentioned in the context of kids at all. I think that is significant and I don’t think that current day Mormons are always asking the right questions about a woman’s spiritual worth apart from her procreation abilities. Necessity based on my circumstances forced me into looking at things a little differently. I could say more, but I won’t.
I sometimes also look around and realize practically all of my married close friends have kids and feel like I am the only one left. I am not in the club. I am stuck outside at pity party, table for one.
I know that like last time, I will eventually be okay. David will eventually be okay too. It will take time, and I will probably be very sad for a while. But I refuse to let that sadness define me. After all, tomorrow is Knightley’s 5th birthday. I want to be happy and grateful for having that dog who has been a comfort to me for these past five years.
This is just the reality of my life. Sometimes it is hard, and it hurts so much, but I know that I can be stronger and tougher than that hurt. It just takes time.