Last week I had another appointment with my doctor, and now I am back on all of those lovely, expensive hormonal meds to get ready to do a frozen embryo transfer. Whenever I hear the words “frozen embryo transfer” this is what I think of instantly:
That would be Jordan Catalano’s band name from My So-Called Life. At the time of that show’s running, I was pretty sure there was no more angst and anxiety possible than what this show conveyed and what I felt as a 16 year-old. So the invocation of “frozen embryos” brings back all of those teenaged feelings of anxiety to pile on top of the adult feelings of anxiety knowing that these frozen embryos represent your last possible chances of ever being pregnant.
I am trying really hard to be more optimistic going into this round. Really, really hard. This past weekend our water heater busted and North Carolina lost a basketball game to a nobody team last night, so my stress levels have been higher than they should. (Sidenote: The reasons the Heels lost the game is because they didn’t knock down enough free throws. That is it. Belmont was not the better team in any other way except they were better at fouling North Carolina players who were terrible free throw shooters all throughout the game. That is why it was such a tough loss.) So I am trying to find ways to take my head to happier places to not be so stressed out all of the time. Yeah, I know people say things like, “Oh, you should do some yoga,” but that is not relaxing to me. As a wannabe, but never-was ballet dancer, there is nothing more stressful and anxiety inducing than wanting my body to be more flexible and wanting it to do all of these things that it cannot do. No, right now, it is all a mental state with me.
So here is a list of happy days in my life by era of my life. It helps to think about past happy days because it reminds me that future ones entirely are possible, and sometimes come during the most unexpected times.
Elementary School Years: I don’t think I could just pick one day, because elementary school was awesome. It is the time in my life when I thought anything was possible, and that I myself was capable of anything and everything. It was definitely the most egotistical time of my life, because I thought I was way better than everyone else at everything, but I loved the belief that I was the best poet and playwright at McArthur Elementary School, and that one day I would be a principal dancer with the New York City Ballet. There was simply nothing that I thought I couldn’t do.
Middle School: Middle school was what I term “the humbling years” because all of my bravado from my elementary school years backfired in my face and everyone hated me. Thus, it is easy for me to pick out happy days, because there were so many anxiety-filled awkward days. The best day was probably a day I was at Space Camp in 6th grade. Space Camp was awesome because it was cool to be a nerd, and I got to meet kids from all around the United States, and I realized that the world was a whole lot bigger than my little town and that one day I would be free of all of the kids that tormented me.
High School: Entering 9th grade, I was the shyest kid around. I was terrified to talk to anyone. Thanks to being on the debate team, I eventually learned how to talk again and not be afraid to express my ideas. However, I was a high school kid, thus I was an idiot with all of my priorities completely in the wrong place. So although now I think that the day that I was probably the happiest I was also showing how stupid I was, I remember how happy I was at the time. It was the day of a local debate tournament during my sophomore year when I was doing really well. I would have won the whole tournament, except I faked being sick and I left before the last round (I was scheduled to go up against a pretty easy opponent too), because I wanted to go see the soccer game of the senior that I had a crush on. So that is what I did. I faked an illness to watch a pretty boy play soccer. Priorities people! I thought I was so clever, and on that day, I thought that I was too good for that debate tournament anyway. In retrospect, a stupid choice, but that is what I love about high school: so many bad choices that I ultimately learned so much from.
College: January 16, 1997
Law School: Sitting on a park bench outside of a mosque for most of the day in Istanbul, Turkey. I loved it because it was a day filled with the best conversations, some of it with segments spoken by other people in Turkish, that I didn’t understand at all.
New York: I had lived in New York for only about a week when I met David in Union Square after I had eaten dinner at a restaurant with Sarah and some friends. He had come to New York to go to the U.S. Open, but the friends that he was supposed to stay with all decided not to come at the last-minute so he ended up crashing on the floor at my tiny studio apartment. It was a great weekend to start out living in New York.
Seattle: I am going with a day when we weren’t in Seattle, but we still lived there at the time. It was the day David and I got married. It was obviously the best day because David and I got married, but it was even better because we had a small wedding with just family and my most favorite people and friends. I cannot even imagine a better wedding, even if I did lose the belt of my wedding dress and I didn’t like my wedding dress very much, and even if one of David’s friends told the DJ to play the song “Old Time Rock-n-Roll” which is the WORST SONG EVER WRITTEN, and totally ruined my wedding song list. I forgive that, because everything else was so perfect and happy.
D.C. – It is hard to pick just one day, because we made some good friends in D.C., but I am going with another day we actually were not in the city where we lived, and that is December 24, 2008, the day we picked up our puppy Knightley in Brookhaven, Mississippi and all became right with the universe because that dog belongs with us. It was the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!
North Carolina – While the Dean E. Smith Center might be what I call “my happy place” (except when they lose and it becomes my rage-filled, expletive-laden place), the best day was definitely one that was spent in South Africa at Shamwari. South Africa was the perfect trip that David and I ever took together, and I just remember the days at Shamwari were the best days that David and I have ever spent together. I think about those Shamwari days all the time and think about how it is possible to have perfect days.
So there is my list. I don’t doubt that there will be more broken appliances and North Carolina basketball games that are lost in the future. I also know that these ongoing medical procedures to try for us to have kids are likely to bring more days where there are many tears and lots of possible physical pain. But I know good days are possible. I will try to focus on that.