I was hoping that 2013 would go out on a more optimistic note than it began. It turns out that is not to be. I am now the fortunate recipient of more medical jargon diagnoses. Not only do my ovaries suck (premature ovarian failure), but it turns out my uterus may suck too, since now I have “recurrent early pregnancy loss.”
I woke up early Sunday morning praying to make it through the day. I calculated the days from the embryo transfer. It was that day – five weeks, four days, that I had begun to bleed following the transfer the last time, heralding the miscarriage. I thought if I could make it through that day, then maybe things would be okay. I felt funny all day. I didn’t want to say anything to jinx it. Sunday evening, David and I invited a few people over from our ward for dinner. It was the first time in this ward we had made the effort to be social. Midway through dinner, I excused myself to the bathroom. The bleeding had begun. I calmly asked my sister (she was at dinner) if she could come in for a moment and then burst into tears, because I already knew what was happening. I asked her if she could retrieve my handbag with my phone and tell David to serve the Apple Crisp for dessert. I called my doctor who immediately told me to come in the next day. It was awkward, but I decided I should go back to the dinner party. Then, someone asked me what was wrong, and I didn’t lie. I calmly explained, I am having another miscarriage.
It turns out that although I thought it must have been the most awkward dinner party of all time, the people (now friends) that we had invited were tremendously kind and we had a good talk, which really helped. It kept me from collapsing. I made it through the night and to the doctor’s office the next day, where my fears were once again confirmed.
So, the miracle isn’t to be. Instead, we are taking some time to get over this one, and then we will go back to the doctor in early February, not to begin another round of treatment, but to begin another round of testing. Now we have to figure out what is wrong with my uterus. Although 95% of miscarriages are caused by genetic abnormalities with an embryo or fetus, there is reason to believe there is something else going on in my case. David is doing a karyotyping test to check for chromosomal translocations that could be passed on to any gametes on his part, but it is unlikely that is the cause. It is probably me again. The unfortunate part about this is that Dr. Fritz tells us 75% of the time, there are no clear medical answers as to why some couples suffer from reoccurring early pregnancy loss, even after all the additional testing. So it is possible we might not get an answer, and those last embryo transfers will be truly shots in the dark.
It sucks to start another new year feeling so sad. There isn’t any eloquent way to say that.
And to top off our misery, poor Knightley injured his left hind leg last night jumping off the bed. At the very least, he sprained his leg, but possibly tore a ligament according to the vet. Now, he cannot go up or down the stairs without being carried and is on around the clock medication. Just when I think we cannot get any more pathetic, it turns out, we can.