So. here we go again. I am little Sisyphus pushing my rock up the hill again. Next Thursday, we will be doing another frozen embryo transfer. I told David, I don’t know if the outcome will be any different or not this time around, but I think the best way to prepare for this is to plan a slate of many different activities and events to look forward to that could only be disrupted by having a baby. This may sound incredibly superstitious and slightly deranged, but it is my belief that because I am an insane planner, the universe constantly is trying to remind me that things are out of my control and I cannot plan everything. So by planning a bunch of non-baby friendly activities, then I think I am daring the universe to try to screw me and my plans by giving me the baby this time instead. Hey, it’s worth a shot. And if I still don’t get the baby, well then, at least I will have a lot of other things to look forward to and maybe that will finally facilitate me being able to move on from this point in my life and accept a lifelong childless status.
So yesterday I told David, if things don’t work again this time around, then I am finally ponying up the membership fee and joining the tennis club. If I don’t have to worry about spending the summer getting progressively larger due to a pregnancy, then I will be spending my free time in tennis skirts and swimsuits (because if nothing else, maybe that will force me to finally lose the weight that I have gained through this crazy few years of hormonal cycles).
Even in a bigger way, we are in the planning stages for possibly a couple of bigger trips next year that wouldn’t be realistic to do with an infant. Next year, the Rome temple for our church will be dedicated, and since Italy is where David served his mission (and I have still never been), maybe it will be time to do that Italy trip that we keep delaying.
Then, next summer, I am possibly attending a work-related conference in South Africa that I am really excited about (I think a conference of foreign law librarians will be far more interesting and useful than the same conferences I feel like I always attend on the domestic front). If so, then David might join me before or after the conference and we will head off to the Kalahari to this reserve called Tswalu that he and I have both been dying to go to. Depending on how many dresses and hats I can prevent myself from purchasing in the next year, I am also dying to go to the Londolozi Game Reserve on the Kruger side of South Africa. We would get different wildlife experiences at the two different reserves. I may not be able to have a baby, an experience that is common to most women in the world, but I can be one of the few women to possibly ever spot a pangolin in the Kalahari. Okay, maybe I won’t see an incredibly rare pangolin, but at least I will get to have this look on my face again when witnessing another beautiful South African atmospheric sunset:
I may not have a big smile on my face, but that is happiness that is coming from within, I tell you. I cannot even describe how much I love the beauty of those wild places.
We can sleep out under the Kalahari sky and listen to the sounds of nature all night long. In case you couldn’t tell, I am pretty excited about this potential trip. I have been repeatedly looking at pictures from our South Africa trip in 2011 and imagining South Africa 2015 feeling the same.
I loved looking that these pictures of David, because he looks so happy too. He also looks young, and I know infertility has a way of making us both feel very, very old. In the landscape of the Kalahari, where you can witness the ancient art of the San people, I think it is quite possible to still feel very young and very happy.
Now here are those pictures of David: