Head Case

I think when you have been dealing with infertility issues as long as I have, it seems entirely reasonable just to expect that you are going to keep getting negative results to things.  It is hard to fathom that a good result is possible because I have been dealing with negative results for so long.  Last week I had two doctors appointments – a regular checkup at my ob-gyn, and our fetal echocardiogram ultrasound.  Everything was fine at both.  From what the ultrasound tech and the doctor could see, both Baby A’s and B’s hearts looked fine. Of course, that doesn’t account for things that they cannot see, as no ultrasound is foolproof.  Both babies growth measured just fine, if slightly ahead of schedule.  At my ob-gyn, based on my fundal height measurements, my uterus was already measuring 32 weeks.  When you are halfway through your 22nd week, that isn’t necessarily something that you want to hear.  I am trying to imagine what the size of my uterus will be when I am actually 32 weeks.

Of course, I will take being enormous and uncomfortable at 32 weeks any day over my babies coming prematurely. I hope to be large and accepting of it right up to 37-38 weeks pregnant, at which time I have a normal induction/C-section, whichever is better. Ever since last week’s appointment, I have been obsessing about pre-term labor. There is no medical reason right now that I should be obsessing over preterm labor.  To the best of my knowledge, I haven’t been experiencing any of the symptoms of preterm labor, although I am constantly fretting that I don’t know exactly what a contraction would feel like, so how would I know if I have had one or not?  At the ultrasound, I was told that one of the babies is incredibly far down, which the doctor said wasn’t anything to worry about, as with twins, they are just trying to find any space that they possibly can find.

In the past week my comfort level has dropped off tremendously with this pregnancy. Every day I feel new aches and pains, and I feel so much pressure in my belly, I freak out about what is normal and what isn’t normal.  I have never been at this point with a pregnancy before and I will never be at this point with a pregnancy again, so I just don’t know how things are supposed to be feeling and I know I will never be expert at it. I know with two babies the discomfort level at this point in the pregnancy is much higher than what it otherwise would be, corresponding with my much larger uterus size. I just freak out because I don’t know if any of this means anything about premature labor.  I hate being so obsessively worried, but I am, so there you go. I don’t think it is an irrational fear, as I know multiple pregnancies put a woman at a much higher risk of premature labor.  I just wish that I could force myself to think about something else.

The good news is that my doctor scheduled a biophysical profile for me tomorrow, so before I head out of town to speak at a conference, I will hopefully get yet another reassurance that things are fine. Then, I have another follow-up at my regular ob-gyn on Monday.  Seriously, some people get annoyed at how many doctor’s appointments they have, but I find them incredibly reassuring. It was a stark shock to my system when I stopped seeing Dr. Fritz, my fertility doctor, on a near weekly basis, so I am incredibly thankful for living in a place where it is easy to access good prenatal care, as I am so grateful for what modern medicine has done for my life. Without it, I certainly would not have made it this far.

Here is a picture from my ultrasound last week of Baby A (Baby B we couldn’t get as good of a shot, because he is so far down), trying to valiantly shield himself using his arms and legs from the blows and kicks of Baby B. Yes, those two are still going at it in the womb. I hope they will be less violently-disposed towards each other outside of the womb in 14 or so weeks when they make it to the outside. (I apologize if you are one of the people who find ultrasound pictures made public distasteful or 3D ultrasounds creepy).

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