The Hold Steady

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I have made it past 36 weeks.  I may be reproductively challenged in almost every describable way, but at least my cervix appears to be cut out for this baby holding in thing.  Now, I just have to make it to my scheduled C-section next week.

The picture above was taken before church yesterday. Mostly, I love Knightley’s expression in it.  He is keenly aware that everything is about to change.  Furthermore, he rarely wants to leave my side when I am home.  I think he might be more realistic about how much our lives are going to change than I am at this point.

I can practically admit that I know everything is about to change.  I feel prepped for sleepless nights, at least in part because I haven’t been able to sleep in over two months, and now, with my 50 week uterus, it is just a comical display of me attempting to toss and turn all night to try to get comfortable and it never really happens. In terms of other anticipated life changes, I don’t think that I am going through anything uniquely different from what other soon-to-be mothers do who also care a lot about their careers. I have turned into work crazy person, because I don’t really like the idea of going out of the office for two months and people seeing me as less valuable.  I keep making commitments to my boss about writing articles and chairing search committees while I am out on leave, so maybe that is where the unrealistic part creeps in.  But I need to do those things too.

Maybe it is also that I know that I can do a great job with my work commitments, but I am less sure that I can do a great job with the whole raising two human beings simultaneously thing. Maybe I want to maintain control over my work life, because I am terrified about how these two babies are going to come out of me and all of the potential things that could go wrong that I have no control over. I know it sounds strange after what has been an anxiety inducing pregnancy, but I kind of like how these two guys are inside of me now, and I know that in a week I will never have that experience again (even though I can barely breathe or walk these days). It is going to be weird to look down at my abdomen and not see them moving around.

But I do want to meet them properly and start to figure out what kind of little people that they are and see who they will become. I know that it is probably unrealistic to think I would ever feel adequately prepared. I just don’t want to mess them up too badly.

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