David and I returned home on Saturday night from two weeks in South Africa. A week of that time was spent in Cape Town at a conference I attended. If I wasn’t deliriously anticipating getting home to my babies and Knightley, I could have just stayed in South Africa.
I have been arguing with myself over how much I want to write on the blog about this trip to South Africa. I feel so pressed for time these days, that when I have time to write after the boys are in bed in the evening, I am so exhausted, I just want to sleep. Yet, at the same time, going to South Africa inspires me to write to record my experiences and the thoughts they inspired in me. I know, “no1 curr” and all of that, but I care and I want to remember it all, and so I want to write it down, even if it takes me forever to write it all down.
So that is what I am going to try to do. I think about where I was on my life four years ago when I first went to South Africa and where I am now, and how my perception of a place has changed because of what has happened in my life in that time. Four years ago, when we were there, it was at the beginning of the rigorous medical intervention that we experienced so that we could have kids. After that, I was to have one ectopic pregnancy, two miscarriages, and finally two babies. I couldn’t have even contemplated those experiences when I was there the last time. I didn’t know how much I would feel like I significantly hardened because of those experiences. I didn’t know how much older it would make me feel. Yet, going back to South Africa again, it made me feel soft and lighter than ever. Sure, I am older, wearier, and I have more lines on my face, but there I don’t mind my skin cracking under the light of the sun, because it just makes me happy. That is really the simplest way I can explain it.
I can’t wait to go back in another few years to share the experience with the boys and to see it all through their eyes. But this time, the experience still felt like my own, which maybe I was selfish enough to want one more time.